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| Subject: | Better |
| Time: | 9:22 am. |
| Mood: | doubtful. | | Music: | lady vengeance theme. |
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I wonder how much better I would be.
I'd wake up, have my oatmeal, have my water, sit at an ergonomic desk, and write.
Instead, I wake up, I go to the gym, I go to work, sit at an ergonomic desk, and add 1 plus 1. I determine if a specific control needs to be labeled as "key" for sarbanes oxley testing. I tell someone, please reconcile this with that.
Then I go home, and I squeeze. I squeeze whatever is left in my brain into the bucket of creativity. To hope beyond hope that the drops actually add up to something complete, meaningful, and entertaining. Sometimes I squeeze several pages from one drop, and I know the quality is sub par. Mainly because I fear my time is limited and I must hurry..
Sometimes it flows out like a dam breaking.
But it's inconsistent.
And I forget to pay my bills. And call the maid to come in on Saturday.
Even when I follow the principle of doing whatever it takes, sometimes the doubts creep in. Other people don't understand it. They wonder why I don't just pursue the career I'm already obviously successful at. They wonder about this thing that I do, these buckets that I save but are reluctant to reveal, this fool's errand that is so non-Asian. They can't even comprehend it. They think, "that's nice, to have a hobby."
It consumes me like a flame. The light from a window fifty feet above whereas my current world is a dark, dank dungeon.
There are two worlds. An artist's world, and the rest of the world. Only an artist can truly understand an artist, unless love overcomes all judgements. Unfortunately, I live in the rest of the world.
I suppose I could live a normal life in this world. They call me an executive at my level. I have positive net worth. I could live a good, stable life, perhaps retire early from savvy real estate investing. Travel the world. Get married. Shit. Have children. And I'm still young, comparatively speaking.
Impatience gets the best of me. The window is so high, but burns a hole in my mind. So I forget everything. I close myself off, shut everyone out, and climb that wall. I climb until the finger nails break off. Then I let them grow back, and climb again. And seemingly, the window draws nearer, perhaps just to tease me.
It is vastly difficult to pursue a passion alone. But I suppose it is a conscious decision that I make. Or perhaps karma is getting the better of me.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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I'll be posting more random thoughts since I think it'd be cool to share:
This was a reply to a scientist musing on the principles of genetic engineering and how it "naturally" fits in the grand scheme of evolution.
I think we are a cancer to the Earth. We consume, we overpopulate, we war, we effect the extinctions of innumerable species. We will probably continue to consume until there is nothing left, artificially living on our "intelligently" designed "life-support" systems, feeding off our genetically engineered plants and animals. We may be half machine before it is all said and done. And although the efforts of you and your scientists may valiantly attempt to stem the tide, I think most fail to see the overall picture in that we, as a cancerous cell, are doomed to live the same fate we place upon our planet. The cancer will thrive until the body is dead, even after the body is dead, and eventually fade into an abhorrent mess of decay and nothingness. The reason is simple; the difference in classes of society will cause an uproar between those privileged enough to live off the geniusly-designed life supports, and those that cannot and continue to fight amongst themselves for the scarce resources that rapidly dwindle. A great war will consume humanity, just as we consume the planet, and eventually render us as lifeless as the other planetary bodies in the system.
And how did nature evolve such a cancerous beast upon the planet? Maybe it is part of the cycle of life, and we should be at calm that everything natural is taking place, that life will again spring from near nothingness as it has countless times on Earth (there have been at least 5 mass extinctions in Earth's past). Perhaps history is just repeating itself. Or, maybe we are unnatural, perhaps brought about by an alien species, and will cause the final annihilation of life on this planet.
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Thursday, March 23rd, 2006
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It's funny, I've started maybe three posts in the past couple months but something always drew me away from finishing it. So I just posted these half-finished entries privately. Lot going on right now... it's one of those things where you can't complain about your situation, you know things are moving in the right direction, but sometimes it's when times are good that you need the most peace. That and it gets pretty damn stressful. I'm reminded of exercises I used to do, tai chi exercises... yea don't laugh, I know it's gay but at the time I guess I was really gay. They had these classes at the gym I used to go to so I figured I'd give it a shot. B4 people jump to conclusions I'd like to state that tai chi is the center of all martial arts because it is the development and control of one's energy =p Anyhow I learned the short form and the long form back then, but when I tried to do them just now I totally crapped it up. I can't remember how to do them.
I wonder how much in life is fate and how much can you really control. You can always fight against fate but sometimes fate has good things in store for you if you just stick it out. It's a strange intermingling of two valid concepts. So which one do you go with most? Gut instinct? Or is it if you go with your gut, you're really just going along with fate.
K, time for bed.
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Tuesday, December 13th, 2005
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So the holidays are among us. This Thursday there's a holiday party on the lot. They brought in a huge tree and lit up that and all the other trees on the lot. Reminds me of disneyland. It probably would've been more cool if they used all white lights - instead they opted for the multiple colored version.
We've got a pretty good New York set up. I believe it's the highlight of the tours they give here. I past by it the other day and I think they were shooting some winter scene. They had fake snow all around and it was very xmasy. I used to be annoyed by all that stuff, but I don't mind it so much anymore.
Work's been pretty busy and there seems to be a deadline everyweek. I'm ok, though. Looking forward to the holiday vacation and working on my side projects. I think the side project really keeps me going.
The past two years or so have seen some significant changes for my life. It started out slow but it just kind of kept rolling like a snowball. Now it's just rolling and I'm not sure when the hill ends. Cool.
Go Trojans!!!
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Tuesday, October 4th, 2005
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Man I am friggin tired. It's all good tho. I'm learning good stuff. I've been taking these night and weekend classes that's been absorbing most of my free time. It's good, because it pulls me away from the "nightlife," at least for now. Helps instill some "non-partying" discipline. The pressure's been increasing at work too, shit, I gotta get off that fantasy football.
I've been riding the bike more. Today, I noticed a cop creep up behind me when I was at a stop light. It looked like I was going to cut someone off from the right, but when I noticed that shady, creeping cop, I busted my right flasher and made a right. The cop didn't follow me. Whew, them traffic cops are sneaky like that.
The other day, I brought the bike into work, the mofo's won't let me park on the lot. Wtf? I have little patience for idiotic bureacracy so I was about to let the guards have it (I'm a ..... I need to get to work, I park here everyday with my car, you're going to send me there and that person will send me back here, you think I don't know this?). They still made me go, and guess what, what I predicted was exactly what happened. Upon my return, they got kind of scared at me and finally gave me more positive treatment. Such bull shit.
I've noticed my temper and impatience have increased. I was smooth sailing for awhile I think, ever since I changed jobs and moved into my new place, but the new stress has affected me. I just get into this zone/attitude that "do not give me shit unless you can show me you are going through similar/worse shit for a good purpose." Yea, I know it's bad, I'll try to work on it. It really only goes off when I feel like I'm wronged in some way. A true example of scorpioness kicking in. In addition, ever since classes started I haven't been going to the gym. So that's a couple weeks of flab right there. Arg.
I asked my little sister who's like 15 yrs old to compose a soundtrack for me. She's got talent, but I keep telling her to fix her ADD and be more disciplined. Her grades stink. So anyways, she composes this piece for me. I think it's great. She's going to go back and mix different versions of it for the soundtrack. I tell her she's going to be famous. She laughs nervously and says ok. I don't know what to make of that.
Ok, I think that's everything on my mind now. Time to hit the showers.
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Thursday, September 15th, 2005
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At the end of it all, I'd like to retire a teacher. Most likely a high school teacher. I'll probably teach economics, but I'll have special curriculum set aside called the facts of life. Basic nutrition, exercise, and meditation clears the mind and increases your productivity. That's the basics. Then there's budgeting and investing, so no matter what career you enter you'll know the basics of making your money work for you. Then they can go ahead and get into anything they want.
Schools seem to lack the basics. Sure, you have math and calculus that people hardly use and English composition and PE where everyone just kind of messes around anyway. Those are all great. But I think the kids really need the basics.
Back in college I used to tutor inner city youth. I did it because there was this other hot girl that did the volunteer work as well. In any case, I tried to teach these 5 th 6th graders how to read, because they were like 12 years old and still couldn't read. The one thing I noticed is that they always came to class hungry. Everytime they came I had to take them to Carl's Jr so they can have the freaken energy to concentrate on their book. Seriously, all these kids have just crazy cases of ADD. It got to a point where I'd just tell them to meet me at the Carl's. That'd be the highlight of their trip, knowing that I'd take them to Carl's. I'm like, dude, what about the book? Read the book!
Anyway, after the program broke for winter break, I never saw my little tutelee anymore. I asked another kid what happened to my kid, and he was like, woah, u mean Tone G? Like I said something wrong or something. I was like, what are you talking about, his name's Michael. Turns out the kid got into some gang his brother was in. Anywho.
So yea, I'd like to be a teacher. It'd have to be after it all, though. I'd need material to teach with.
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Wednesday, September 7th, 2005
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| Subject: | TBS |
| Time: | 11:58 pm. |
| Mood: |  satisfied. | | Music: | Kanye West - Gold Digger. |
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There's not much I really watch on TV. Problem is, I never know what show is at what time. So if I'm eating dinner and I flip on the TV, I usually just flip through channels until something interesting comes on. Especially during the summer time, when I don't get my fill of basketball or football. I don't watch TV too long, tho, I get bored and get to the computer. My addiction is the computer.
Recently though, I've discovered TBS on weeknights. Every night it's got a couple of my favorite shows at around the same time slot-Everybody Loves Raymond, Friends, and even a little of SATC if I don't turn off the tube before 10. It's freakin awesome, I get my laughs and I can count on those reruns every night. They just need to throw in some Scrubs and it'd be perfect. Sweet.
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Wednesday, August 24th, 2005
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| Subject: | Lost |
| Time: | 11:30 pm. |
| Mood: |  tired. | | Music: | Cool -Gwen Stefani. |
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Dude, I just caught an episode of that show, "Lost," it's a damn good show! I got hooked when I was switching channels and landed on a scene with the Korean and his wife just before they get married. I love that they're playing Korean Korean characters, with the husband apparently not being able to speak a word of English.
The ironic thing is, in real life he's more Korean American, and he didn't know how to speak Korean that well before the show. And the girl, she was mostly raised in NYC, altho she's more known for her Korean flicks (remember that flick, Shiri?) Anyhow, I think she HOT, yea she''s kind of a homely face but she knows how to work it to her advantage... see, that's what I mean by sexy.
K, that's enough babble for now.
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This song here has got to be the sexiest background music alive... I shit you not. Play it next time you find yourself alone with that special someone, I guarantee unusual things will happen.
Blade Runner Blues
Or maybe it's just me. It's kind of like...having sex in an empty house, a house not your own, out in the suburbs somewhere. The windows are open, you can hear the crickets and the critters outside chirping away on this cool summer night. The flowers are out, those gardenias that make the night smell so good. While people are in their own houses minding their own businesses nearby, you and your other are in this house you're not supposed to be in, on a forbidden bed, simply devouring each other. Yea, that's where this song takes me.
On a different note, this LJ thing is a cool thing. I get to nose around people's lives, and the shy ones always blurt out everything here. I just don't understand where people find all the time to be updating. I do a quick glance through on the friends list, and most of the stuff I skip over unless something really catches my eye or the entry is succinct. If I feel compelled to comment I'll drop a quick line. But to maintain a journal every day and comment on everybody's journal... shit that takes some serious effort.
So I suppose I'm what you call a superficial LJ stalker.
Hehe, that's all, don't mind me I'm just thinking weird again.
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Thursday, July 21st, 2005
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her(10:50:38 PM): valorie is going to nyc aug 9
me (10:50:54 PM): for work or pleasure
me (10:51:21 PM): i think i'm going to wisconsin
me (10:51:23 PM): or some shit
her(10:51:25 PM): sr fa doesn't travel for work
her(10:51:37 PM): of course with donald!
her(10:51:45 PM): shit i need to get me a bf like that
me (10:51:59 PM): ok, but u'll have to tolerate beady eyes
her(10:55:07 PM): well it's not all about looks
me (10:58:46 PM): it's not about looks, it's the money?
me (10:58:47 PM): shiet
her(10:59:06 PM): yuppers
her(10:59:07 PM): haha
me (10:59:21 PM): ok, i'll put that in my second script
her(11:00:52 PM): hahaha
Dayam, it's like that, eh? So the beady-eyed rich get married, but the lookers get the flings... so if they look good and they rich? haha, i guess they're the ballas. or they get their xxx tapes sold on the internet by their ex girlfriends.
dang, what a world we live in.
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Why don't they just implement online voting? Technology should be strong enough to prevent foul play through this medium. I bet voter participation would increase 100 fold if we could learn about candidates/issues and vote via a click of a button.
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A quick update on me life:
Moved.
Got a new job (second one in a year, it's like musical chairs to me now.)
Went to Europe for the first freakin time (finally).
Visited the kids up north.
I cooked... dinner (first time in like 3 years. Serious.) Baaam!
Major huge milestones. It's so contentful that it's hard to stay hungry. But I ain't there yet.
Stay hungry. Stay foolish.
One day I'm gonna figure out this picture thing and post some piaacs.
Peace out. Free tibet.
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| Subject: | Hats off |
| Time: | 12:11 am. |
| Mood: | despondent. | | Music: | Mariah Carey - We Belong Together. |
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An icon retires. A legacy is born.
http://www.nba.com/pacers/news/reggie_interview.html
You were a true representation of character. Thank you.
"You've got to sell some type of role. People are going to perceive you one way, no matter what. I can act one way in Madison Square Garden and get in front of a camera and act totally different but they're not going to believe what I say on camera. They're just going to believe how I act (on the court). That's how I've always had to play what you see on the court. But I would drive myself crazy if I was like that away from the court. I'm very respectful of others. I try and do the right things most of the time and let the chips fall where they may. "
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Many years ago, back in my college years when things appeared more simple, I went with this religious group to bring warm donated food to the homeless in downtown los angeles. I was probably no more a hero than people who decided to stay home and watch the latest sitcom that night; I did it more because I felt I had to, or that it would impress other people, and not because I meant it. Of course, there is always this unexplainable high you get when you do hand something to someone and you can see in their eyes true appreciation.... but in any case, on this night on Los Angeles street, I struck up a conversation with one of its inhabitants. He was complaining about how the system did this to him and how the system did that to him. And I told him, "you choose to be here." He got so pissed that he began mouthing off expletives and waving a pocket knife in the air. All the volunteers clamoured after me, "What did you say to him? What happened?" I just shrugged.
Eventually I stopped giving to homeless who asked me for money. I figured they were just going to spend it on booze and crack, and besides, my heart wasn't in it. It got to a point where sometimes I felt they should be cleansed off the face of the earth. They are parasites of humanity and like any tick or flea, they should be stamped out of existence. My motivation was doubly selfish... I figured with them gone, real estate value in the area would also increase.
Recently, I made two hand to hand donations. The first was when I had in my arms my old blanket. My intention was to find some time to drop it off at a salvation army and let them take care of my "junk." So I was walking home and this homeless in a wheelchair asked me for money. I gave him my usual, "sorry man, don't got nothing" routine, but then I figured I'd offer him my blanket. So I did, and his eyes lit up like it was christmas day and there were a dozen presents under the tree. I half expected him to reject it; I've offered leftover food to homeless before and they'd reject me because they just wanted the money. So it was actually a big deal when he took the blanket, because I saw in his eyes he really needed it and he was very appreciative of it...
The second time was today. After work, I was my usually grumpy self and I pulled up to a Jack in the crack to grab some dinner (I know, so healthy for me, right). I saw a homeless dude hanging outside the restaurant and thought, "good thing I'm going through the drive thru otherwise he'd ask me for money." So I order, I drive up to the window and I'm about to pay, and this homeless dude actually walks over close to my car, maybe a few feet away because he was wary, and he's asking for something. I figured he was asking for money so I waved my credit card in the air and did my "sorry man, got no cash" routine. But he kept asking me and I was like,
Me: What??
Bum: Sssrs I'm just gonna buys some fiizd.
Me: Huh??
Bum: (apprehensive) I was gonna buys some food.
Me: Oh. Well, let me know what you want and I'll order for you!
Bum: Say wha?
Me: What do you want? I'll order for you right now!!
Bum: Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger, thank you sir.
He backs away slightly cowering.
So I tell the lady at the window to add a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger. She did, and I paid for the meal. I checked the receipt and found out that the Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger cost only a buck. Shiit, couldn't you order something bigger? I pulled up to him and handed him the Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger.
Bum: Thank you sir, god bless your family sir.
Me: You want a taco??
Bum: Wha?
Me: I got an extra taco, you want a taco too?
Bum: (eyes light up like it was xmas): Oh yea, sure!!
So I gave him the taco and I gave him two hot sauces to go with it. See I usually get a combo meal, then something from the dollar menu so I feel full eating fast food. He took it graciously and thanked me many times, so I tried to be more nice and blessed his family too.
So anyways, I tend to forget that all people are people, and they're not just good guys, or bad guys, or bums. I should think twice before I think I want to cleanse anyone off the face of this earth. There's a guy out there right now, playing a trumpet I believe. And from what I'm hearing there's some soul left in him too.
Not that it makes it okay or anything, but heck. I'm a scorpio. I'll never forget, and I'm still working on the forgiving part.
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| Time: | 10:43 pm. |
| Mood: | satisfied. | | Music: | Andain - Beautiful Things (Gabriel & Dresden Remix). |
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The ocean is on the wind.
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Wednesday, March 9th, 2005
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Today at a department get together I was listening to our COO talk. He was explaining the various states and circumstances of our home entertainment industry, which was quite interesting to say the least. I noticed something else, though. There was a slight tinge to his voice that made him sound like any ordinary guy just chatting about old past times, not a so called "big wig" that held the power to fire half of our department. He talked about how one of his initiatives will make some good money for the guys below... It was the way he said it... he put in all this work and made this great presentation about his initiatives that will make multi-millions for other people... it just struck me as funny because even at his post, he was still a cog of the Man. Sure, he had a little bit more power, he probably had a decent salary, he could determine my salary increase and fire me if he wanted to, and he definitely had intelligence in him. But he's still a factor of the system. He works to seek the acceptance of others that have a direct impact on his livelihood. I don't want anyone having a direct impact on my livelihood except for myself. I know I talk about this shit all the time but this is just another instance that solidifies my resolve.
You know, I don't like talking that much because I usually jinx myself when I talk, and the exact opposite would happen. So I get into this thing where I avoid talking and let my actions and accomplishments speak the words. Sometimes though I guess it's just good to let it out. Imagine if I really got into personal stuff.
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Wednesday, February 23rd, 2005
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Every girl's motivation:
guy : u girls are all so attention needy
girl : huh what do u mean
guy : u do this for the attention
guy : the challenge of the unattainable
girl : haha
hehe too funny not to post.
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Wednesday, February 9th, 2005
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Brand new things are always cool, eh? Like new car smells, sunshine after the rain, freshly washed clothes, recently painted walls, exotic new vacations and brand new years.
Besides the intermittent rain over the weekend, it's been fucking beautiful here in southern cali. haha, gotta love it, even if i'm stuck indoors most of the time with my head in front of the computer.
http://chinesefood.about.com/library/blchineseastrology2005.htm
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Monday, January 10th, 2005
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Got back from Miami on Friday, to all this? What the heck happened to sunny california? Freakin doubled my time to get to work too. Geesh.
So i wasn't supposed to go to the Orange Bowl, I was supposed to be back to work on Tuesday because I didn't have any vacay days. Last minute decision to volunteer to take a later flight (shit, I hope people at work don't read this shit) and try to get some tix from scalpers from the game. It came to a coin flip in front of the gates to the aircraft. What can I say, it came up heads. It was worth it, the game was in freakin sane. Yea maybe boring for some of you but what can I say I'm a Trojan. It wasn't even a contest, it was a massacre. Stuck me in Miami till Friday though, since all the flights back were overbooked and every passenger was showing up. Oh well, Miami ain't a bad place to be stuck in. I still missed home though, even with all this rain. Southern Cali is my permanent haven, make no mistake.
Oh yea, new years in Miami was off the hiz too, hehe. Maybe I'll get some pix up if I can ever figure out this picture posting thing. =p
Peace out and don't forget to support ur brothers and sisters in southeast asia.
This is funny:
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=1517&e=17&u=/afp/asiaquakekenya
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cooleyhh's journal
cheerful.
optimistic.
geeky.
good.
okay.